Over the next few days I'm going to be talking about my Diagnosis or "Lables"
​One of My "Lables" are Avoidant Personality Disorder or AvPD. There seems to be a lack of information in Alberta. We need to educate not just "regular people" but those on the front lines example: Triage Nurses in the ER, "Medical Doctors"

Looking into information on personality disorders In Canada is very frustrating. I believe we need to hold our Government more accountable to get Canadian Data NOT relying on United States Statistics.

These statistics were found on the Public Health Agency of Canada. http://www.phac-aspc.gc.ca/publicat/miic-mmac/chap_5-eng.php

so this whole last week has been my worst week for a while. I can feel the severe depression kicking in, my mind is a mess and my anxiety is out of control...I am awe fully close to the edge...but.... I know have some skills to combat and fight going full on relapse.
I do feel so lonely in this process even though I have a great support system.
But I am noticing certain triggers...foods...lack of sleep...worrying about my Meds...worrying about my next pshyciatrist appt. The only time I don't feel as alone is when I'm in group which I an very greatful for. I am learning so many coping skills that has made it possible to get through this weekend without breaking.
Breathing excersises. Mindfulness. Taking a break from what I'm doing to try and relax myself. I was up at 8am today full of anxiety. I said fuck it and went for a drive (when the traffic is calm I love to do it) but the minute I got home the anxiety came back. I know what that is about now. My house is so messy it's chaotic and it's starting to really affect my "safe place" to be. I hate that I have let it go for so long, just picking things up here and there but not maintaining that area. It's a vicious cycle just like my asshole brain. I need to get to my mad point and say fuck this shit. The house is getting cleaned up. But I'm so exhausted mentally and physically. Some days I feel like I'm going to actually have a "happy" day and it always just ends up like shit.
I need my structure of group and I need some structure on the weekend.
I think one of my goals is to tackle 1 room a day even if it's just for an hour or so
another goal is to find a yoga class for Saturday or Sunday.
I also signed up for Plenty of fish site looking for friends and all I can say is that I deleted it within 5 minutes (it stresses me out instantly)
​Anyway I have taken my night pills in hope that I will get a good nights sleep and be all ready for group tomorrow.
​✌🏻️❤️

In group we were asked to come up with a couple goals that are most important to me.
I have more goals but for right now these are the one that are most important to me.

1. Keep on the path or wellness and recovery.

2. Reconnect with important people in my life.

Of course the first one will always be an ongoing goal but the second one I have set the goal for fall sometime.

Those of you who are important in my life you know who you are and I am ashamed that we didn't keep in contact as well as we should be. ❤️

I feel like maybe I'm starting to become "myself" again. I have not been "myself" for a very long time now.

I want happiness and close friendships in my life again. ❤️❤️❤️❤️

so the past few days have been pretty shitty. Anxiety is up, I'm not sleeping well and my emotions are all over the fucking place. I've dragged myself to group every morning and I'm trying to use some of my new skills to get myself out of this funk before it becomes a crisis.
Went to bed "early" so I could get a good night sleep in,,,, NOPE not happening. If I could just have a tiny on off switch for my brain that would be fantastic.
I know for a fact that my money issues and the doom and gloom weather plays a major part in triggering my sleepless nights and anxiety filled days. (Yes I can recognize some of my main triggers which a couple months ago I would have no clue)
I'm trying to "check" my emotions and thoughts so I can weed out the non rational thinking. Applying the things I have been taught in group is making it possible for me to not be in a crisis situation again.
Thank goodness I have another pshyciatrist appt coming up next week because I think my night Meds need to be increased again.
​✌🏻️❤️

My AM Meds.
I share this because it's OK to take Meds. Many people have negative reactions to me sharing this but my Meds along with my therapy help me. It might not be the route everyone chooses but it's MY choice. MY therapy. MY way.
Dont let others bully you into thinking that YOUR method of getting better is wrong. Everybody has their own beliefs and their own way of coping with life. For me if it wasn't for my support system AND my Meds I probably would not be here right now.
I have been in arguments about MY choice of treatments and I REFUSE to let those people to deter me in MY WAY of treatment.
Be strong and be brave about all the choices you make along the way for YOUR choices in recovery.

Day two of my new partial inpatient program. So far so good 👍🏻
I will be learning how to better communicate with people in a positive way, how to set goals and not be disappointed in myself for not doing every single one and my Favourite part how to take charge of my illness!! The best part of this program is that it is therapist lead not peer lead like my last group. It's also not so forced upon. I was forced and felt attacked to bring out things I was not ready to deal with yet...not until I learn some tools on how to deal with my illness.

I feel exhausted after a full day of group but I also feel myself more empowered. I am where I should be and I felt it on the first day. I don't go in feeling anxious and not knowing what is coming next and I don't leave full of anxiety and not knowing how to deal with myself when I get home.
I cried a bit on my way home but it was a good cry because I feel like I'm exactly where I need to be right now.
Never give up on your quest to better yourself and or your illness. I found out that our mental health system is so flawed and in order to advocate for good mental health you have to find it one your own.
I have found many resources from just doing searches and hope to do a post for every province in Canada on what kind of resources are out there for people. I only have some personal knowledge of Alberta but I will find resources for people to contact from other places as well.
I want to advocate for myself and help others take back their power so they can advocate for their own personal mental health treatment.
​✌🏻️❤️

Some people need to LEARN before they speak. Not everyone responds to treatments the same way. Some manage fine without medications and some do not. Some can just decide to think a certain way and poof things change some CANNOT. Neither one is an incorrect method of treatment. I post things here, Facebook and on Instagram about my progress, my ups and downs for me and so others out there know they are not alone. To be a voice for those who are too scared or worried about the stigma behind any mental illness. Snide remarks about my negativity will not change how I post things. I know that there are many MANY people out there who NEED to know that it is OK to not be ok all the time. The more we talk about our mental health and illnesses the more people will try and understand. Saying one thing is the only way to live with mental illness is so rude and incorrect and very harmful to some people. Do NOT be ashamed of who you are, Do NOT hold back on how you are feeling at this moment, Do NOT be ashamed of the good AND bad days. #rantover #mentalhealth #mentalillness #iamnotashamed #beyourself #enlighten #learn #ptsd #avoidantpersonalitydisorder #borderlinepersonalitydisorder #gad #depression #anxiety #panicattacks

Double-tap to edit.

Anyone out there interested in learning more about SOME of the Mental Illnesses out there I have included some links ✌🏻️❤️

I feel dead on the inside. Zombie like. NUMB. The thought of pill popping has entered my mind numerous times. I know I don't want to end up like I was before but I feel like my only friend is in the form of some type of pill. I have a roof over my head, a new car, my fantastic boys, a cat, a dog, a bearded dragon. I have more than most people have but I feel empty and alone. Zero motivation to do shit all with my life.
I'm in love with someone who I will never meet or be with because #1 he's as fucked up as I am #2 he does not want to start his life over again.
Why must I ALWAYS find the ones that are unattainable? The past 6 years have been very lonely for me but I also realize that I have to fix me before I can allow someone else into my life.
I am very troubled.
I WANT
To be happy with who I am. I want to be able to clean my house and do my laundry. I want to be able to wake up and smile because I know that no matter what the day brings happiness will be part of me.
INSTEAD
I hate who I am. I'm ugly. I'm fat. The world outside my door scares me. I don't take care of myself properly. Anxiety, rage, numbness and sadness rule my life.

#mentalhealth #mentalillness #mentalhealthawareness #ptsd #anxiety #gad #depression #panicattacks #ifeelalone

Went to the ER Wednesday night because I was having one of my really bad anxiety days (like I feel like I'm loosing my mind) I went to the university ER because last time I went there I had a really good experience and found out about the psychiatry department and am finally getting continuous monitoring and care. This time I went it was completely different. I was told there were only 3 beds for pshyc patients so I had to wait in the waiting room with a whole bunch of people (not good for someone with avoidant personality disorder and anxiety disorders) until a bed became free. Approx 5 hours later I was brought into the temporary pshyc bed area (appeantly they are renovating that part of the hospital) it was cold and stuffy and when the nurse came in she asked me if I had any medical issues .....are you fucking kidding me right now??!! Read your god damn papers. I informed her of my medical issues and then she proceeded to tell me a medical dr would be in soon. Soon...SOON....4 hours later this medical dr came in and asked me AGAIN what my issues were. So I explained AGAIN. I was wanting to go into the inpatient program. He told me that they only send people to the inpatient unit if I have attempted suicide or am in psychosis because they have to be choosy on who they allow in because of such high demand. But if I wanted I could wait until the psychiatrists come in at 9 am to evaluate me because they no longer have psychiatrists or psychologists in the ER. What kind of bullshit is that?! Cutbacks he says. Now my anger is setting in and I told him this whole process is rediculous. Mentally ill people need to be able to go to the ER when they don't feel safe and there should be a psychiatrist or psychologist on staff every fucking night. We NEED to have someone there that understands not some random dr that says he does not understand how a pshyciatrist can help anyway. Long story short the mental health system waits until you are so bad that you want to kill yourself or have already tried to kill yourself before you can get inpatient care. I'm sorry but if you allowed people to go and get the care people are asking for there would be less attempts on suiside and less suicides. I am angry with our mental health system so much. It's so broken. I should be able to have the right to want to go to inpatient if I want to. I'm not a high functioning person. Right now I would feel safer and be able to concentrate on just me getting better if I was an inpatient. But I can't because I'm not going around trying to kill people or I'm not in a full psychosis I can't access that care that I feel would help me the most at this point in time. I will no longer go to the ER I made plans with my mom that if I get to the point where I start feeling like I'm going out of my mind I will go to her house. That will be my "safe" place.
Canada needs to step up and make a better system for us mentally ill. It's not fair the way it is. I WANT to get better. I WANT to be able to choose what kind of treatment I feel is best for me.

#mentalhealth #mentalillness #mentalhealthawareness #ptsd #gad #anxiety #depression #avoidantpersonalitydisorder #borderlinepersonalitydisorder #iamnotashamed #stepupcanada #bellletstalk #canadamentalhealth #albertamentalhealth

Tomorrow I am calling the In Patient unit at the University Hospital plus a couple different phycologists. Once I get some concrete information. I will either choose to go the In Patient route or phycologists route. I have given a lot of thought into this. The group setting would have been great for me if I was functioning at a better level. But I am not. Sometimes it's days before I shower, I can't keep my house clean, leaving the house is frightening for me because I either panic or rage enough that I fear what I could do to myself or others. I am not functioning very well and I don't think the meds I'm on reflect how bad I have gotten. While I was going to group I was diagnosed with the following: PTSD, Borderline Personality Disorder, Avoidant Personality Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Persistant Depressive Stat. The depression meds I take are mainly for anxiety disorder and I am already taking a higher dose than what is recommended plus anti pshycotics that are still at a low level.
I do believe that I need to go on meds reflecting my state and be at a safe facility to where I don't feel too anxious about changing meds as that is a big anxiety for me.

Image by: Martin Rowson