First actual Therapist appt has finally happened. I was supposed to not see a psychiatrist until the 13th of April but my Therapist felt I should get in sooner so now I have one for the 7th of April. I am so relieved. This is the first time in my whole life that I will be getting actual continuous help. A dedicated Therapist and Psychiatrist. I also have an intake apt for group therapy. Once I do the intake I can go to weekly therapy in a group setting until the next program is available to me.
I cried so much at this appt. I told my therapist how much I hated crying and he responded with "I give you permission to cry, you have suffered for so long and now you can look forward to getting the much needed help that you have been looking for" I cannot tell you enough how much that statement ment to me. Finally someone some place to go and not feel like a head case that they can "treat" then send me off to fend for myself. I AM GOING TO GET HELP!!!! FINALLY!!!!
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Today I finally have my apt with a psychologist at the University of Alberta Psychiatric unit. I am hoping that i will finally get some much needed help that i have not received in the past. I am ready to try something new. I know what i have been doing so far is not working for me.
I want/need help!!! I want to be a better mother, sister, daughter. I NEED to be!!! I want to learn how to like myself and know what it is to actually be happy not be the zombie with a smile girl that i have been for so long!! His hands are covering my mouth and nose the weight of his body is crushing my chest. I can't move, I can't breathe. I start to sweat and he pushes harder on my mouth so no breath can escape. I almost pass out and he lets go, still heavy on my chest. I get cold. I breathe in and out slowly then as fast as he stopped he places his hands on my throat. Crushing. Restricting. I want to cry, I want to scream, I want to give up. The pain I feel is horrible and relentless. Im having a panic attack and I just want it to stop!!!!!!!!! Photo by: Ella Rynehart
Today has been a day of tears. I don't know why but all i feel today is utter sadness. I sit and try and not think of anything and then all of a sudden sadness overcomes me and ill start sobbing. I wish i could just make this all go away already. Nothing in particular is making me sad. I'm tired of being tired i'm tired of being sad, i'm tired of being anxious, i'm tired of having the no feeling days. I WANT to be happy....like really happy not the fake happy that i have been for a long LONG time. Anti psychotic taken and hoping it will make me sleepy enough so i can go to bed and not have to deal with anymore of this day. So I have Joined a few sites that I AM LOVING. To date I have not received anything free yet but totally worth trying. So I'm going to share the sites I have found.
My FAV is Chick Advisor. Not only can you read reviews for tons of products but you can also add your own reviews and eventually apply to test products. This site also has a blog and forum. http://www.chickadvisor.com The other sites I have found and just signed up for are: https://www.bzzagent.com https://www.socialnature.com https://www.samplesource.com Thought id share if anyone stumbles along my little blog and are looking for freebies 👍 Every day I feel what I can only describe as numb. When I don't feel anxiety I just don't feel. I go through the day with my brain full of thoughts and feel nothing. I know that I love my family and kids but I don't feel it most days. When I do feel emotion it's either in the form of anxiety and or crying. I can't wait to finally get to my psychologist apt so I can try and get "stuff" out. To talk. To try and get some understanding. I do feel like giving up some days but I know that I couldn't do anything about it because of my family. They keep me here.
I don't know what I would do if I didn't have my mom right now. She helps me rationalize some of the shit I think and worry about. Even just having her listen helps. Today will be my 5th attempt at publishing a blog. I have tried in the past but felt overwhelmed with the whole process. This time i am hoping i will be able to actually commit to this.
Part of my self therapy to release some of the "voice rambling" that goes on in my brain. For those of you who suffer from anxiety understand what i mean. Sometimes i will make sense.....sometimes not. I do find it hard sometimes to express what my brain actually goes through. Welcome to my Journey all. |
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