so this whole last week has been my worst week for a while. I can feel the severe depression kicking in, my mind is a mess and my anxiety is out of control...I am awe fully close to the edge...but.... I know have some skills to combat and fight going full on relapse. I do feel so lonely in this process even though I have a great support system. But I am noticing certain triggers...foods...lack of sleep...worrying about my Meds...worrying about my next pshyciatrist appt. The only time I don't feel as alone is when I'm in group which I an very greatful for. I am learning so many coping skills that has made it possible to get through this weekend without breaking. Breathing excersises. Mindfulness. Taking a break from what I'm doing to try and relax myself. I was up at 8am today full of anxiety. I said fuck it and went for a drive (when the traffic is calm I love to do it) but the minute I got home the anxiety came back. I know what that is about now. My house is so messy it's chaotic and it's starting to really affect my "safe place" to be. I hate that I have let it go for so long, just picking things up here and there but not maintaining that area. It's a vicious cycle just like my asshole brain. I need to get to my mad point and say fuck this shit. The house is getting cleaned up. But I'm so exhausted mentally and physically. Some days I feel like I'm going to actually have a "happy" day and it always just ends up like shit. I need my structure of group and I need some structure on the weekend. I think one of my goals is to tackle 1 room a day even if it's just for an hour or so another goal is to find a yoga class for Saturday or Sunday. I also signed up for Plenty of fish site looking for friends and all I can say is that I deleted it within 5 minutes (it stresses me out instantly) Anyway I have taken my night pills in hope that I will get a good nights sleep and be all ready for group tomorrow. ✌🏻️❤️
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In group we were asked to come up with a couple goals that are most important to me.
I have more goals but for right now these are the one that are most important to me. 1. Keep on the path or wellness and recovery. 2. Reconnect with important people in my life. Of course the first one will always be an ongoing goal but the second one I have set the goal for fall sometime. Those of you who are important in my life you know who you are and I am ashamed that we didn't keep in contact as well as we should be. ❤️ I feel like maybe I'm starting to become "myself" again. I have not been "myself" for a very long time now. I want happiness and close friendships in my life again. ❤️❤️❤️❤️ so the past few days have been pretty shitty. Anxiety is up, I'm not sleeping well and my emotions are all over the fucking place. I've dragged myself to group every morning and I'm trying to use some of my new skills to get myself out of this funk before it becomes a crisis.
Went to bed "early" so I could get a good night sleep in,,,, NOPE not happening. If I could just have a tiny on off switch for my brain that would be fantastic. I know for a fact that my money issues and the doom and gloom weather plays a major part in triggering my sleepless nights and anxiety filled days. (Yes I can recognize some of my main triggers which a couple months ago I would have no clue) I'm trying to "check" my emotions and thoughts so I can weed out the non rational thinking. Applying the things I have been taught in group is making it possible for me to not be in a crisis situation again. Thank goodness I have another pshyciatrist appt coming up next week because I think my night Meds need to be increased again. ✌🏻️❤️ My AM Meds.
I share this because it's OK to take Meds. Many people have negative reactions to me sharing this but my Meds along with my therapy help me. It might not be the route everyone chooses but it's MY choice. MY therapy. MY way. Dont let others bully you into thinking that YOUR method of getting better is wrong. Everybody has their own beliefs and their own way of coping with life. For me if it wasn't for my support system AND my Meds I probably would not be here right now. I have been in arguments about MY choice of treatments and I REFUSE to let those people to deter me in MY WAY of treatment. Be strong and be brave about all the choices you make along the way for YOUR choices in recovery. Day two of my new partial inpatient program. So far so good 👍🏻 I will be learning how to better communicate with people in a positive way, how to set goals and not be disappointed in myself for not doing every single one and my Favourite part how to take charge of my illness!! The best part of this program is that it is therapist lead not peer lead like my last group. It's also not so forced upon. I was forced and felt attacked to bring out things I was not ready to deal with yet...not until I learn some tools on how to deal with my illness. I feel exhausted after a full day of group but I also feel myself more empowered. I am where I should be and I felt it on the first day. I don't go in feeling anxious and not knowing what is coming next and I don't leave full of anxiety and not knowing how to deal with myself when I get home.
I cried a bit on my way home but it was a good cry because I feel like I'm exactly where I need to be right now. Never give up on your quest to better yourself and or your illness. I found out that our mental health system is so flawed and in order to advocate for good mental health you have to find it one your own. I have found many resources from just doing searches and hope to do a post for every province in Canada on what kind of resources are out there for people. I only have some personal knowledge of Alberta but I will find resources for people to contact from other places as well. I want to advocate for myself and help others take back their power so they can advocate for their own personal mental health treatment. ✌🏻️❤️ |
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