Tomorrow I start a support group that I go to for the next 4 Friday's 2-3pm. It's for the people on the waiting list for the day and night group therapy.
I am glad that things are going to be starting up for me but I am so scared of the unknown. I'm NOT a people person and am frightened to not be in my comfort zone or have anyone with me that I know. Sitting here trying to be happy with the thought that I will be getting some help but crying because the unknown is terrifying for me. My head is pounding, my stomach feels sick, I'm shaking and I want to run away from this all!! I just need to keep telling myself that this is good for me. That this is the first step into my new life as a happy person.
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So today I decided to take it easy and pretty much do nothing. Laze around and catch up on Chicago Fire. The last episode was great ... but.... It got my anxiety going. Like extremely bad. I had to stop watching and keep telling myself that this was a damn tv show. That it was not real life. Full blown panic attack over a fucking show!!!! What in the hell is wrong with me??!! Like seriously. Im a fucking nut case!!!
For the past week I haven't been in the best of moods. Grumpy and lazy and now extreme anxiety. Yesterday I had two major attacks. First one started because my work HR called and even before I talked to anyone I started feeling nauseous, heart pounding and I was dizzy. Thankfully my mom was with me because it almost got to the point where I was going to pass out.
I talked to HR and everything was fine as I felt so much better after I talked to them. Fast forward a few hours to the hospital waiting in line for water and BOOM it hits me again. Had to get out of the line, wanting to sit. Immediate nausea, I wanted out of there but I knew I couldn't leave because I had a pshichiatrist appt. at this point all I could do was cry. Cry because I want all this to stop, cry because there were people watching me, cry because I was frustrated with myself, cry because I just want it to end. The pshichiatrist wants to change my meds but I have severe anxiety about changing meds. I'm more comfortable with upping doses of what I'm currently on. I would be more than willing to change meds but I wouldn't be able to be alone my Anxiety wouldn't allow it. I've been on Zoloft as a teenager which I tried again as an adult but it triggered my anxiety really bad, Effexor which I was on for several years and I hated every minute of it (the side effects were horrible) and the latest Ciprolex which in the past few years has helped quite a bit, just feel that it isn't as effective anymore. So the plan so far is to keep on Ciprolex (depression and anxiety med) but up the dosage to 20.5 mg for a week then go to 30mg (I had to do an ecg to make sure my heart was ok because I guess higher doses of ciprolex can slow your heart rate) stay on my quetiapine (anti pshycoyic that can help with depression and anxiety plus sleep) and of course Adivan as needed. I'm so frustrated with these attacks especially because it's never about the same thing. I can be out in public one day and be fine. The next day I'll be a anxious freak. I can be at home and be ok. The next day I'll be a anxious freak again. I do often wonder if admitting myself into the phyctriatric unit at the U of A hospital might be best for me mostly because I feel frustrated and tired and scared. I feel out of control and scared about every aspect of my life. I don't feel safe with myself anymore especially when my panic attacks are at their worst. I do think about suicide often but know I would never follow through with it because of my children. They are saving me right now. So today I was at the U of A Hospital doing a Group Intake 1:00-4:00 pm. It was an exhausting and emotional day. I'm excited to know if I'm getting in (won't know until Monday)
If I do get in I have to be on a 2-4 week waiting list and have weekly group meetings for people waiting for the program. When I do start my schedule for 18 weeks will look like this: Monday-Thursday 5:00-9:00 pm and Friday 5:00-6:10 pm There will be a team of 5 Therapists and 1 Pshychiatrist running the Treatment Program. I'm scared and excited at the same time. I know I will be getting help but the anxiety of being around other people is starting. I have never enjoyed speaking with other people around. Hated school because of this reason. But I'm ready to get help so I will buck up and give this treatment a go. If if anyone in the Edmonton area is looking for a treatment program like this you can self refer by calling 780-407-6172 and a therapist will call you back to discuss the program to see if it's a good fit. #yeg #mentalhealth #mentalillness #depression #edmontonmentalhealth #edmontontreatmentprogram Yesterday was Beautiful out and I was so excited that the sun was shining. I SHOULD have been outside walking the dog and enjoying the sun but no i sat inside all day wanting to go out but being scared of all the scenarios that were running through my head.
Who will be watching and judging me? (This thought enters my head every time im in public and i know that its not true but my brain thinks it every time) What if i have a panic attack? What if i burst out crying? What if i look stupid? Why is that person looking at me? I want to be able to go out and just enjoy things not worry about every single thing that runs through my head....its a fucking marathon up there and im so tired of it. The only time i can "get myself out there" seems to be if my mom gets me or we meet somewhere or if my oldest is home and i can get him to go for a walk with me. Even though my brain is still thinking the same thoughts there is comfort knowing that there is someone there i can talk to so the thoughts slow down a bit. Im a total shut in....i dont want to go anywhere....people piss me off....people scare me....i dont want to be seen.... I do want to be able to go do things...some people say just go out and you will feel better....i know this, my brain is always convincing me that isnt the case....i talk myself out of it and say ill try again tomorrow. I am so tired of living this way i do want to be able to go and do things or go for a long walk in the sunshine, i know i will feel better if i do....but....its always the but..... and i sit on the couch and watch tv...alone...always. Sometimes I write down the thoughts that enter my head. The constant chatter is always there like bees attacking inside my head. Today I tried to write a pro for every con that entered my mind.I have a job I love..but..since my anxiety and depression has gotten worse i haven't been able to handle it. So I took some time off and applied for short term disability since being part of management I do have some perks.
Let me just say this is not as easy as i had hoped it would be. I filled out all the papers needed, got my physician to fill out all the paperwork properly and now they want more information. What more do you want to know besides the fact that if i don't take this time to get myself better i'm going to FUCKING LOSE MY GOD DAMN MIND!!!!????? That i was on the verge of silting my wrists or jumping off a fucking bridge??!! If I had Cancer or a heart condition i know for a fact that this would not be as difficult as this is. It makes me so mad that i have to "prove myself" I've been dealing with this illness my whole life and know that the "invisible illness" is hard for people to understand. But in this day and age why is it still this difficult? To have some stranger calling me and asking me to describe what it is i am going through...are you serious??.... I understand that they need to make sure that it isn't a false claim etc but my Dr filled out all the information....including a treatment plan...all the information regarding my therapist and psychiatrist...all the meds i am taking. It is all very detailed. They want test results...ya cause there is a blood test out there saying i have severe depression, and a debilitating Anxiety disorder. I am taking this time to get myself better so i can get back to work...i miss being at work...i just know that right now i need to get help and i need time off to properly do this. Im sitting here watching tv trying to get sleepy. I finally have my psychologist appt tomorrow and all I can do is feel panicky instead of looking forward to it. I should be happy. The beginning of good things are coming. Why can't my brain just accept it?
Overthinking every aspect of my life has become a norm. I had a really good day today. Got my hair cut, and even though it was windy the sun was out. I thought I did good today and then tonight 👎🏻. I feel like I'm hanging on a thread that's ready to snap at any moment. I still have one more day to wait until i get to go see the new Psychiatrist.
I feel like going nuts...I want some relief from this anxiety that is inside me. I know meds are not the only factor for helping my illness but i do know that being on the correct medication combination does help with the dealing process. Get on the right meds, go to my therapist appts and eventually start group therapy. I need to get everything out. Sometimes i dont even know what the hell my brain is thinking of but the stuff that does run through my head day in and day out for the past i dont know how long that i have never dealt with...need to know how to be ok with my past...not necessarily to forgive anyone because honestly i dont know if that would ever be possible for me... but just to know how to be.ok. TIRED....so.fucking.tired. |
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