Today I start my 18 week CBT group therapy. I am terrified to say the least. I have done 5 1hr group therapy evenings but this will be different. I will have to start opening up parts of me that I have kept to myself or to close family members for a very long time.
I know that there will be others there with similar stories and some completely different. This is some comfort as I know I'll be surrounded by understanding and compassion. But I am still scared to open up to strangers. I'm not used to being around other people that are not just my family. My comfort zone I have created will have to change. I won't be able to just curl up on the couch, cry or sleep. My self esteem has been shattered for a long time, maybe even my whole life. I created a bitch personality that only people that actually know me see through. I do know part of me is strong and will not take shit from anyone but the other part of me is weak, shy and child like. I allow certain people to walk all over me and cower when they are around. Not willing to stand up to myself or others. I want to like myself no love myself. I've never loved myself. This will be the start of my new beginning the new me. Not too sure what the new me is yet but it will come.
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I do it to myself. Sit here alone. Feeling unwanted. Ashamed. Wanting to not be alone but knowing that I have put myself in a position of no other choice anymore. Darkness with the glimmer of the tv a pillow and a blanket are my friends. Tired. All the time. Afraid. All the time. Hating myself. All the time.
I'm trying to not think negatively about things but it's all I know. I don't know any other way to think. Even as I write the negative and add a positive my mind says you're full of shit Nina. You are worthless, ugly fat and alone. I can see and I think of everything I've done in my life that is wrong. I can see and hear every hurtful thing I've done or said to myself and others. I can feel hear and see every hurtful thing ever said to me. I know I've done this all to myself and now I don't know how to undo it. Im treading water all the time. Sometimes I can stand but most of the time I just pull myself down. |
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