Sometimes I write down the thoughts that enter my head. The constant chatter is always there like bees attacking inside my head. Today I tried to write a pro for every con that entered my mind.
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I have a job I love..but..since my anxiety and depression has gotten worse i haven't been able to handle it. So I took some time off and applied for short term disability since being part of management I do have some perks.
Let me just say this is not as easy as i had hoped it would be. I filled out all the papers needed, got my physician to fill out all the paperwork properly and now they want more information. What more do you want to know besides the fact that if i don't take this time to get myself better i'm going to FUCKING LOSE MY GOD DAMN MIND!!!!????? That i was on the verge of silting my wrists or jumping off a fucking bridge??!! If I had Cancer or a heart condition i know for a fact that this would not be as difficult as this is. It makes me so mad that i have to "prove myself" I've been dealing with this illness my whole life and know that the "invisible illness" is hard for people to understand. But in this day and age why is it still this difficult? To have some stranger calling me and asking me to describe what it is i am going through...are you serious??.... I understand that they need to make sure that it isn't a false claim etc but my Dr filled out all the information....including a treatment plan...all the information regarding my therapist and psychiatrist...all the meds i am taking. It is all very detailed. They want test results...ya cause there is a blood test out there saying i have severe depression, and a debilitating Anxiety disorder. I am taking this time to get myself better so i can get back to work...i miss being at work...i just know that right now i need to get help and i need time off to properly do this. Im sitting here watching tv trying to get sleepy. I finally have my psychologist appt tomorrow and all I can do is feel panicky instead of looking forward to it. I should be happy. The beginning of good things are coming. Why can't my brain just accept it?
Overthinking every aspect of my life has become a norm. I had a really good day today. Got my hair cut, and even though it was windy the sun was out. I thought I did good today and then tonight 👎🏻. I feel like I'm hanging on a thread that's ready to snap at any moment. I still have one more day to wait until i get to go see the new Psychiatrist.
I feel like going nuts...I want some relief from this anxiety that is inside me. I know meds are not the only factor for helping my illness but i do know that being on the correct medication combination does help with the dealing process. Get on the right meds, go to my therapist appts and eventually start group therapy. I need to get everything out. Sometimes i dont even know what the hell my brain is thinking of but the stuff that does run through my head day in and day out for the past i dont know how long that i have never dealt with...need to know how to be ok with my past...not necessarily to forgive anyone because honestly i dont know if that would ever be possible for me... but just to know how to be.ok. TIRED....so.fucking.tired. First actual Therapist appt has finally happened. I was supposed to not see a psychiatrist until the 13th of April but my Therapist felt I should get in sooner so now I have one for the 7th of April. I am so relieved. This is the first time in my whole life that I will be getting actual continuous help. A dedicated Therapist and Psychiatrist. I also have an intake apt for group therapy. Once I do the intake I can go to weekly therapy in a group setting until the next program is available to me.
I cried so much at this appt. I told my therapist how much I hated crying and he responded with "I give you permission to cry, you have suffered for so long and now you can look forward to getting the much needed help that you have been looking for" I cannot tell you enough how much that statement ment to me. Finally someone some place to go and not feel like a head case that they can "treat" then send me off to fend for myself. I AM GOING TO GET HELP!!!! FINALLY!!!! Today I finally have my apt with a psychologist at the University of Alberta Psychiatric unit. I am hoping that i will finally get some much needed help that i have not received in the past. I am ready to try something new. I know what i have been doing so far is not working for me.
I want/need help!!! I want to be a better mother, sister, daughter. I NEED to be!!! I want to learn how to like myself and know what it is to actually be happy not be the zombie with a smile girl that i have been for so long!! His hands are covering my mouth and nose the weight of his body is crushing my chest. I can't move, I can't breathe. I start to sweat and he pushes harder on my mouth so no breath can escape. I almost pass out and he lets go, still heavy on my chest. I get cold. I breathe in and out slowly then as fast as he stopped he places his hands on my throat. Crushing. Restricting. I want to cry, I want to scream, I want to give up. The pain I feel is horrible and relentless. Im having a panic attack and I just want it to stop!!!!!!!!! Photo by: Ella Rynehart
Today has been a day of tears. I don't know why but all i feel today is utter sadness. I sit and try and not think of anything and then all of a sudden sadness overcomes me and ill start sobbing. I wish i could just make this all go away already. Nothing in particular is making me sad. I'm tired of being tired i'm tired of being sad, i'm tired of being anxious, i'm tired of having the no feeling days. I WANT to be happy....like really happy not the fake happy that i have been for a long LONG time. Anti psychotic taken and hoping it will make me sleepy enough so i can go to bed and not have to deal with anymore of this day. So I have Joined a few sites that I AM LOVING. To date I have not received anything free yet but totally worth trying. So I'm going to share the sites I have found.
My FAV is Chick Advisor. Not only can you read reviews for tons of products but you can also add your own reviews and eventually apply to test products. This site also has a blog and forum. http://www.chickadvisor.com The other sites I have found and just signed up for are: https://www.bzzagent.com https://www.socialnature.com https://www.samplesource.com Thought id share if anyone stumbles along my little blog and are looking for freebies 👍 |
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